I Assumed It Was Me

The book stopped working around page ninety and the first thought that arrived was that something is wrong with you.

Not that the book was dull. Not that it was not for you, or that the middle sags, or that you are tired this month. The thought was: other people finish this sort of thing, so the problem is at my end.

And you have done that with four books this year. Each time the conclusion came in the same shape, and the shape has become a small standing belief about your own capacity, and you have never once tested it.

Two things are not coming here, and you have met them both.

Nobody is handing you a list. Not a title, not an author, not a genre, and no shelf of what a woman ought to have read by now. Being handed one has never once opened a book, and mostly it adds one more thing to be behind on.

And nobody is saying one word about your phone. You know about the phone. Everybody knows. Being told again by a stranger returns nothing at all.

What I want to look at is who filed the charge, because a charge got filed and it was not filed by anybody outside you.

There is no case. There never was one, and the reason there is not one is settled somewhere much higher than a paperback.

Who shall lay anything to the charge

There is a question in Romans 8 that is asked rhetorically, and the rhetoric is doing real work.

Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth. Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again. (Romans 8:33-34, King James Version)

Read it as a courtroom, because that is what it is.

Who shall lay anything to the charge. That is the question of who is entitled to bring a case. And the answer given is not a defense of the accused, it is a statement about the bench: it is God that justifieth. The verdict is already in and it was entered by the highest authority available.

Then the second question. Who is he that condemneth. And again the answer is not an argument, it is a person: it is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again.

Both questions are about standing. Not about whether the accused is nice, or trying hard, or improving. About who has the right to open a file at all.

You are standing where nobody has the right to open a file, and four unfinished books have never once been admissible against you. Romans 8:33 asks who shall lay anything to the charge and answers with the bench rather than with a defense, and the Holy Spirit is the one saying that over a book that stopped working at page ninety.

There is one more thing in it worth having.

The passage does not distinguish between charges brought by other people and charges a person brings against themselves. It closes the whole court. Which means the small standing belief you have been building for four books is not exempt from the ruling on the grounds that you are the one who filed it.

You have a court that is closed to every claimant including you, and a charge you filed yourself has never once had more standing than one somebody else brought. It is written it is God that justifieth, the question is about entitlement rather than about merit, and the Spirit of God is saying that plainly here.

The charge is self-filed and it is not investigated

Here is the mechanism, and it is worth naming because it is fast and quiet.

When a book stops working, two explanations are available and only one gets considered.

Explanation one: this book is not for me, or it is uneven, or the middle is slow, or I am reading it in a bad month. Explanation two: I cannot manage books like this.

The second one arrives first, every time, and it arrives with a feeling of honesty attached, because taking the blame feels more truthful than blaming a book. And so it never gets examined, and the first explanation never gets a hearing at all.

But look at the evidence. Four books this year that were not working. The one thing all four have in common is not a fault in you, it is that you were the reader, which is exactly as true of every book you have loved.

You are convicting yourself on evidence that proves nothing, and four books that stopped working have never once been four verdicts about your capacity. Romans 8:33 closes the court on the question of standing, and the Holy Spirit is present with a woman who has never given the other explanation a hearing.

And there is a second layer, and it is the practical cost.

A belief about your own capacity does not sit still. It gets consulted before you start the next one. And the next choice gets made smaller, and easier, and safer, and then the safe one is dull, and the dull one confirms the belief.

So the charge is not merely unfair. It is productive, and what it produces is more evidence for itself.

You have permission to blame a book instead of yourself, and finding one uneven has never once been the same thing as being unable to read. The written word shuts the court on the question of who may bring a case at all, and His Spirit is the one who dismisses a claim a person has been filing against herself.

Put it down, and start another one

So here is the assignment, and the sentence you say while you close it is part of it.

Put down the book that is not working tonight and start another one before you sleep.

Close it. Not at the chapter break and not after fifty more pages to see whether it was you after all. Where it sits.

And as it closes, say the other explanation out loud, once. Something like: this one is not working, and it is the book.

Nobody here is going to suggest you push on. There is no caveat. It closes tonight.

You are standing where no case can be opened, and four unfinished books have never once been admissible against you. The Spirit of God is present on that couch, and it is written who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect, and then that it is God that justifieth.

Then start something else, ten pages of it, before you sleep, and make it something you actually want rather than something you can definitely manage.

Here is why the sentence out loud is part of it.

The charge has never had to compete with anything. Saying the other explanation once, aloud, is the first time it gets a hearing, and a claim that has been running unopposed for four books does not survive its first contest.

You are able to close it and name the book as the reason, and blaming a paperback has never once been a failure of humility. Romans 8:33 says who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect, and the Holy Ghost is the one present with a woman saying out loud that it is the book.

Something in you is going to find that sentence arrogant. It is not arrogant, it is accurate, and the humility practiced across four books has cost four books.

You have a verdict already entered by the highest bench there is, and a conclusion drawn at page ninety has never once been able to reopen it. It is written who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, the answers are people rather than arguments, and the Spirit of God is saying that here.